Smeared Perfection

To anyone who reads this anymore...

2010-08-22T19:29:00.000-07:00

Start reading this instead.

It's been a while... again.

2010-01-14T20:15:00.000-08:00

I think I neglect this place because I feel as though I have absolutely nothing to write about. In all reality, my creativity has been going down the drain.

I suppose that I've just been so bored with my life lately that I think there is nothing worth mentioning. When really, there probably is.

I'm not quite sure what right now.

And here I am... yet again... at a complete loss of what words to type.

I suppose I could write about how life takes crazy turns, and you never know what to expect. How every day is full of choices, and sometimes I get extremely overwhelmed by all of them. About how I wish I could see into the future so I would know what to do.

How I wish I wasn't so scared of actually taking chances in the fear that the "comfortable" depression I have right now will turn into something worse.

I could also write about how my depression is lifting, and one day at a time I've been able to slowly pull myself back together.

I don't know. I have a block. It won't go away.

*sigh*

(currently untitled)

2009-06-26T13:51:00.000-07:00

AHhahaha! scratch that last emo-post. silly me.

The basement flooded. No practice for a while. God went "SMITE!" and most of our gear became wet. But these things happen.

:P

2009-05-22T23:26:00.000-07:00

I've been neglecting this place. Not that anyone really cares... I'm sure no one even reads this anyway.

I'm trying to sleep and failing, figuring out the complexities of life. I don't think anyone can ever go through life without having a "holy shit" moment. I'm in the middle of mine... It's coming and going. I'm slowly figuring out that my life is my own, and belongs to nobody but me. I know it sounds like "duh"... but its kinda crazy how much I've lived my life for other people.

Anyway.... I gave into twitter today. *sigh*

oh dear dear.

2009-01-21T14:07:00.000-08:00

Its a beautiful day. Like gorgeous. Oh how I love it.
I should be doing work right now, but I left it all at home. Well, that's not entirely true. I left most of it at home. That's really just my excuse for not doing it.
But now I have an hour to kill before class. Its taking all my energy to stay on campus and not go home and sleep. I'm pretty much struggling to keep up, but I think I'm doing a pretty good job struggling.

Its crazy, I got sick the exact same part of the quarter I did last time. Coincidence? I think not! This time i'm NOT going to let it stop me. I'm gonna keep on trucking, as much as I may hate hate hate it. I just don't wanna fail again. It may break my spirit.
:'( awwwwwwww

I really wish I had something more interesting to write about. My creative flow is fluctuating. BOo.

Fin.

A New Start

2009-01-06T14:15:00.000-08:00

I'm doing my best to keep my chin up! School started yesterday. I've never been good at school. This quarter, though, seems promising. I'm only taking three classes and all the teachers are pretty badass. It's still going to be a challenge, but a more approachable and maybe even a more fun challenge.

There are still a million things in my life I have to straighten out before I feel like I can live truly happily, but I'm getting there.

I feel as though I was living a static life for a while. I didn't do much with my time. I've recently renewed my interest in art and music, and feel like I'm at least a little bit better at creating things. I always get compliments that I'm creative but I've always had trouble believing them...

In other, less happy news, I found out recently that my favorite/only grandfather was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. We don't know how long he has left, but it isn't long. My dad is going up to Maryland to be with his family. I just wish I could go with him.
My grandfather is perhaps one of the most amazing people I've ever met. He wasn't perfect, he made his grave mistakes as everyone has in life, but he learned from them. He has lived a full life. He's made me believe in so many things. He's filled me with a sense of curiosity, love, and excitement. I always loved visiting him and my uncle. Unfortunately I haven't seen them in over three years.
I wish I could go and tell him how much I appreciate him; how much his life has inspired me.
I just wish I had more time.

Art.

2008-12-07T14:33:00.001-08:00

My newest craze is graphic art. I don't really know what prompted it. but check it out!
and...

You like?

Look for more here.

That's all!

Have a nice day.

To Thanksgiving... And Beyond!: A photo blog.

2008-12-04T00:09:00.000-08:00

I'll begin with Hannah's birthday. So fun! And amply named "Hannah Valian's 22nd Golden Birthday Drunkfest Extravaganza". Its always great fun to celebrate. The evening is.... fuzzy. But highly entertaining! Hannah's funny when she's... er... tipsy. :)

I'm happy that I made it :)

And then we went bowling!!! Yess....
Some videos for your viewing enjoyment.

Jordan's Sixth Gutterball (in a row)

I think they're too high for this.

Jordan's first pins!!
What a silly good time.

After a few days that were greatly needed to recover from said "drunkfest", Jordan and I headed on the long and perilous journey to New Mexico. When I say long and perilous, I mean six hours and driving through towns that if you stop you have a good chance of being brutally murdered. (e.g. San Luis, CO). After a few years of driving between Colorado and New Mexico, I have learned not to drink too much and the safer places to pee. Oh dear.

Finally, arriving in Pojoaque at 1:00 am (and following Jean for a good amount: Match course and speed... Engage!), instead of sleeping we decided to stargaze. My dad owns a big ol' 10" telescope that I can't help but brag about, because if we lived in a place that didn't have such crappy light polution I would want it desperatly. In Pojoaque, thought, the light polution is a lot less noticable. You can see the milky way, and the closest galexy to us Andromeda, with your bare eyes. (Not very well thought, it kind of just looks like a blur, but still fantastic, and much cooler through the telescope.) We
And: Snow on Thanksgiving. Of course. looked at Jupiter, and a half Venus. Later in the week we also looked at Saturn and The Orion Nebula. Oh my goodness my love for astronomy sometimes causes immense sleep loss. We stayed up until 3:30 am the day we were driving home to see Saturn when it rose. *sigh* Love.

(These photos (except for the galaxy) are through the same kind of telescope as my dad's. However we do not use a filter so you can see the stars and moons around the planets. They are a little enlarged. Orion's Nebula looked more like the one on the right. It was hard to find a photo that was close to the amazing view we saw. It was so clear! Beautiful.)

After that we went to a glorious Thanksgiving dinner at the Provans. Mmmm Heidi's applesauce and Dana's gravy. And Idan's stuffed mushrooms. And Lindsay's yam experiment that turned out like heaven. And so much more. Oh, and the spectacular abundance of wine.
Of course it snowed on thanksgiving.

Lins and Idan

I forgot to say that we had a little wine-fest the day before Thanksgiving as well. My morning was, if anything, tough. But I did conquer the world in Jordan's name at Risk. Yess.... although Sydney did insist on keeping the Congo. I'm not sure why.

I saw some people that I hadn't seen in a while. JP and Becca after the meal, and then on the trip to Albuquerque the next day we happened to stop at the Bobcat Bite. Unfortunately the wait was too long for us, but who did we see? Christian of Boulder, CO. What are the odds.

In Albuquerque we met with Tyler and Brittany, Janelle, Emmy, Jersey, and two new friends, Lindsey and Robert, who were being interpreted by Brittany's amazing skill at sign language. She's real good. I admit, I did feel a little uncomfortable at first, but these amazing people made me feel at ease. We played music for a very long time. Enough time so that my neck was swollen in the morning from Jersey's glorious violin that I wanted really really badly. Too bad I'm such an honest person :). No, not too bad. Just jokin'. (Props to Brittany for coolest photo pose so far.)

It was great to see good friends with similar interests. I met the nicest Jehovah's witnesses I have ever met who enjoyed our music as much as we do. We went to Frontier, where Carli was out of the blue!! It's been too long. I miss all the people worth seeing in New Mexico. Unfortunately I didn't get to all of them. Next time :). All in all, it was a good trip.

And now, after a trip to Maria's for some quality New Mexican grub and the best breakfast burrito I have had since Chiliworks, Jordan and I were ready to make our way back to Denver. The long and perilous journey awaited. Yet we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. *DUM DUM DUUUM* (cue suspenseful music)...

It all started smooth sailing. Taos wasn't even bad. The views were beautiful. It was the normal beautiful day, interesting conversation, great music. I appreciate New Mexico every once in a while. Just not Los Alamos. :)

But oh no... this was too good to be true. I have bad luck with drives back to Denver in the winter weather, as Marb well knows. I was hoping that something like that would never happen again. I was only half wrong. We were stuck for at least an hour on the trecherous La Veta pass. Again. At least this time we were moving.. slowly.. for most of it.

This is my "not again" face.And Jordan's angry face.And when I finally believed I was free from all snowy/sticky situations... (or at least not stuck on la veta for four hours...)But.....
no such luck.

We ended up being stuck in the longest traffic jam I have EVER seen. In my life. Oh wow it was so long. We were so bored. It spanned way back. You can kinda tell in this picture. The last white dot on the end is as far as we could see it go back. And at that point we were only about a third of the way to the end. Terrible. And I hate driving in the snow. Like a lot. Here is a nice little video diary Jordan and I made out of bored0m. Hopefully it isn't as boring as we were. Wait, what? (It was about the point where I began losing my mind completely.)

And it was a very, very long time.

We didn't even know what to be prepared for. It finally cleared up a little about 4 miles out of Colorado Springs, but the roads were still really bad. The fastest I was going was 35mph until Castle Rock. We ended up getting to Marb's house at about midnight. And I was pissed, because it was Sunday and we couldn't get liquor. Ha.

And now I think this might be the longest blog I've ever written in my life. Its probably full of errors and completely uninteresting, and if you got this far I admire you. Today was a hell of a day. I had two too many big ass needles stuck in my buttcheeks, and drank one too many disgusting big glasses of icky medicine that made me numb and sleepy. We had to cancel our show because of me. :( This makes me really sad. And the drugs made me super woozy. Which could explain the length and possible errors in this entry. Forgive me?

Anyway, I hope everyone had a magnificent Thanksgiving. More pictures from the trip to come soon. Don't worry, hopefully I won't be bored as hell and stuck on the couch, so they will not be included with long ass ramblings. :)

Goodnight!!

Angry.

2008-12-01T23:01:00.000-08:00

This has gone too far.
I feel like nothing I do will make me feel better. My doctor won't change my medication. How, may I ask, am I supposed to feel better mentally if my medication makes me feel like shit physically? How am I supposed to improve if I feel like I can't get up out of bed because it hurts too bad? And what is the point of an anti-depressant that has a side effect of 'mood swings'?

UGH I'm so frustrated.

(no title of consequence)

2008-11-13T18:12:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I'm so angry. My emotions are very.... unstable. I can't make up my mind about anything. Its all very.... full of complaining. I don't want to post a bitch rant.

Here's a cute little photo of me taking my first steps.

Not too much has changed... I'm always struggling for the next big step, trying to keep my balance as I meander through the metaphorical living room of life. Ah, such lack of clarity.

Haha, sorry. I don't really know what my deal is. I suppose I'll just have to keep my chin up and my eyes bright. But some days thats harder to do.

AH I said I wouldn't complain.

I think right now I could write about a million movie reviews. I've seen sooo many movies in the past few weeks.
Right now, in fact, I'm watching Faulty Towers (an hilarious british TV comedy that only had 12 episodes on BBC). Its has a few of the greatest John Cleese moments I've ever seen, and I am a huge fan of Monty Python. Watch it.

And now back to my world of ultimate confusion.

George Lucas Strikes Again!

2008-11-08T10:13:00.000-08:00

heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheee....

how silly.

Sleeplessness

2008-10-25T00:01:00.001-07:00

After a few nights of half-sleep, I thought perhaps my tiredness would have built up enough for me to get the long, deep sleep that I crave so much. But every time I close my eyes I feel its inevitable that that's as far as I'll get. Sure enough, here I am, awake as can be.

Even when I do sleep, my dreams are strenuous. I can barely tell that I'm asleep, they are so vivid. And I always "wake up" at least 3 times in all of them, finally happy that I am rid of the anxiety of the dream only to find out that I have not yet escaped it.

I just want to sleep soundly and dream happily. But then I probably won't want to wake up.

*sigh*

Life goes on.

Oingo Boingo And Other Oddities

2008-10-12T21:55:00.001-07:00

Doodles

2008-10-09T18:08:00.000-07:00

Sorry... kinda hard to read. :(

Childhood Games and Musical Genius.

2008-10-08T22:56:00.000-07:00

I recently stumbled upon via facebook one of the coolest most ingenious thing I have heard in a while.

This man, who I did theater in high school with, is singing every single harmony in this song. The original band didn't even do this. It is an amazing feat. I am very impressed. His range beats anyone I've ever met in my life. I would suggest as well that if you like this, you should check out all the other cool songs he has done.
And with that, goodnight.

The Worst is Over?

2008-10-01T12:59:00.000-07:00

The stars sing lullabies. Its hard to see them, so its hard to hear them. The bold lights of civilization have blotted out their songs. Perhaps that's why its so hard to sleep.

The chaos screams nightmares, cascading from the lights, and the roads are weaving in and out of reality. Maybe that's why its so easy to get lost.

There's a buzz in the air. A happy hum of innocence mixes with the static drone of routine, spinning circles around the ignorant 'important' chatter of humanity.

Everything is temporary, nothing is real. There is no beginning, there is no ending. There just is.
Am I enlightened or am I depressed? It doesn't matter, its temporary anyway.

* * *

My hole is deep enough to be a grave. I juuust keep diggin'. I'm not necessarily in the best of moods, though I'm trying real hard to keep my chin up.
*sigh*

I don't care if it isn't healthy!

2008-09-29T15:03:00.000-07:00

I have an hour to kill. I should be doing something productive like homework or... well homework. But I'm not! (Digging the hole, slowly but surely).

Some guy just sat down near me with a hot dog. Not cool. SOOO hungry. Oh that smells delicious. Now I'm digging myself a hole while being tortured by the alluring smell of ketchup mustard and sauerkraut. Killer.

School is a conundrum. The closer I get to catching up, the further behind I'm getting. Its a bitch and a half. I miss the feeling of just being DONE. I wanna be done. Be able to take things on one day at a time. That kind of thing. Nope! I procrastinate too much for that. :)

OK Hot Dog Man. Could you enjoy your food any more? Eat anymore slowly? AHHHH!!!!!!
Thats it. I'm gonna go find myself something that looks a little like this:
And I'm going to enjoy it, DAMNIT!

My Patron is a Demanding Taskmaster

2008-09-26T18:37:00.000-07:00

I'm having a little bit of a crisis. Just a little.
I think maybe school is pushing me over the edge. I feel like I'm trying so hard to care about things, but I can't. Its hard to explain. Its like a fuzz in my mind. I can't focus, I can't organize my thoughts, I can't organize anything really. My memory is also very... foggy. I can barely remember things that happened last week, let alone years ago. I have trouble piecing together things that happen over even a series of days.
I don't know. I'm probably overreacting. But its extremely frustrating.
I feel like whatever this is is also restricting the friendships I have. Its like I'm displaced from everyone else. I feel like I can barely hold down a relationship anymore. I don't notice when people care about me. Gosh this all sounds so dumb. I guess I'm just a little mixed up. I don't really know how to put into words how I'm feeling.
I'm very sad, as well, that Bailey is leaving. She is an amazing person that I feel I did not get to know as well as I would have liked to. I'm sure I had many chances but just never noticed them, or never took the opportunity. I guess I've closed myself off for the past few years. Anyway, I'm sure I'll see her again, and perhaps get the chance to know her a little better, but despite that I'm still sad that she'll be so far away. I'm so happy for her, and I know that she'll continue to do great things with her life. She seems like such a strong person. She's made quite an impression on everyone she knows. I just wish.. I don't know, just wishes.
Again, I sound like a crazy person.
Maybe I am a little bit crazy. :(

But on to happier subjects! I'm not that sick anymore! Everything still sounds a little bit like its underwater (stupid ears) but other than that I feel like maybe I can function again.
I hope.
Oh I'm just all sorts of down in the dumps. I think maybe I'll work on writing my book. Maybe.
See you all on the flip side!

"Hope is the dream of a man awake."
-French Proverb

Edit: I forgot to say! The masters are up! (If myspace is not being a pain)

Flames... on the side of my face....

2008-09-23T20:14:00.000-07:00

After days of lying on the couch in a daze, I feel like I can actually think again. Maybe not straight. Maybe a little sideways. But at least its thinking, right?
I had a hell of a weekend. Mostly crappy. I was sick for most of it.

I helped Alex finish cleaning the first apartment I ever lived in out of my parents house. That was a trip. Seeing the place empty and (almost) how it looked when we moved in brought back strange memories. I was so naive back then. I thought I could take on the world, no problem. I didn't even know what the world was. I still don't. So much has changed. If those walls could talk! They would have so many crazy stories to tell. I've changed so much since I first saw that empty apartment. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that first month I lived in it and slap myself in the face. Tell myself to wise up! Ah, but wouldn't time travel be nice. No, its best left alone. If I've learned anything since then its that a bump in the road is not the end of the world. It might even seem like a mountain, but there's always hope in getting over it. I just have to keep being optimistic.

It marked the end of an era. But unfortunately the cleaning of the apartment overexerted my poor sick body, and I woke up early Monday morning unable to hold down the contents of my stomach. After about an hour of passing out in the bathroom and making a mess of my bed and the bathroom floor, I moved to the couch with a bucket and forced poor Jordan to call 911 to make sure that the cocktail of medications I had taken before bed hadn't backfired on me. In a surprisingly short response time paramedics were by my side telling me I was just overreacting and my cold was just getting worse. I still don't believe them. But, you know, better safe than sorry. Needless to say, I've been stuck on the couch ever since, watching movie after movie, wishing that I had the energy to do something else, and having the worst cabin fever ever. Today it was The Big Lebowski, Alias, Harry Potter, Clue, and currently Catch Me If You Can. But I'm almost better! (I hope, last time I said this it did not turn out to my advantage.)

I'm so behind on school. HA! Silly me thinking that I could take 16 credit hours and be able to function as a normal human being. As soon as I get better I'm gonna be a busy busy girl.

Well I suppose that's all I have to say.

"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."

The wonders of a cold washcloth

2008-09-18T22:20:00.000-07:00

Whoa. I'm much more sick than I thought I was earlier today. Its an icky flu. Headache, fever, sore throat, sore joints, all the good stuff. So here I am watching Moulin Rouge with a nice cold washcloth that keeps falling down my face.

I've been thinking a lot about the past lately. The parts of high school I actually enjoyed. Like "booo-0000!", Guys and Dolls, early morning McDonalds ventures to get pancakes, etc. etc.
Its kind of fun to think about, but it makes me miss all of the people I've lost touch with over the past few years.

I don't know. I think my fever is making me woozy.

Getting through the headache

2008-09-18T10:06:00.000-07:00

What a gorgeous day on the DU lawn. An abundance of tables are scattered throughout the pathways, everyone posting signs that say "Nader '08" or "Democracy Matters" or, my personal least favorite "McCain '08". Luckily, the signs that say "Obama" are the ones most people are swarming around. But there is a disturbing abundance of said Nader signs. This confuses me. Why vote for a candidate that is sure to lose? If you are hoping for change, as Nader clearly is, why not vote for someone who is more likely to win? I was asked on my way to class more than once to switch my voter registration to the green party, which I hurriedly declined. All these votes are doing is taking away a chance for change. You might as well vote for the republicans.

Oh, politics today. Most people who vote really have no idea what they are voting for. Hopefully some will wise up before the 4th.

Being at school sick sucks. This headache won't go away. I'm holding on, though. Three more hours and I'll be at home taking a spectacular nap. Oh how I long for Ibuprofen.

<3

Flowers, Fences, and Fire Hydrants.

2008-09-16T21:24:00.000-07:00

Ah... Time for a new beginning. Those are always nice. I had a beautiful day. Uneventful, yes, but beautiful. I did something I haven't done in a while and dragged Jordan out for a walk. Took some pictures! I'll post some :)

Jordan actually took this one.

I hope you enjoyed them.
I have nothing else interesting or intelligent to say... so until next time...
adieu!